Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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