Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
