There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
