We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
