Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
