I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
