I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
