we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
