Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
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I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
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Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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