so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
