The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
