Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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