Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
