i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Someone shattered a urinal.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
