She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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