omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
