Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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