i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
