I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
