thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
