That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
did i just pee glitter
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
