I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
