do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize