I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize
