i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
As shirtless as possible
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
