as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
