I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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