grandma shit on top of the toilet
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Who died my cat blue again?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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