It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
