Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
