If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
