If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
