guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
