so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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