i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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