Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Michael Bay diarrhea
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
