I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
