So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
