I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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