You're completely useless in the revolution.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
