you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
