I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Randomize
