the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
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