Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
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Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
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30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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