Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize