mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
