My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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