I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
