I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just threw up on my dentist
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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