I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
