I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Randomize
