My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
