forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?