DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.