We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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