I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Hippo gnu deer
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
