Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
