Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
